Love What Is

You suffer whenever what you want does not align with what is.

All suffering is caused by a mental misalignment. You suffer whenever you believe in your thinking and whatever you are thinking about does not align with what is. To put it another way… you suffer when what you believe “should be” happening, or what you “want to be” happening are different from what is happening.

This mental misalignment is natural because what you think about what is happening around you is not what is happening around you. Can you see this? For example, right now you are reading this blog post. And while you are reading this you may be thinking “what a terrific and meaningful lesson the message in this blog post is, and how transformative it is in your life.” Can you see the difference between what is happening – which is that you are reading this blog post, and what you are thinking about? They are not the same. Can you see this?

When you think things like, “You need to get a job,” “I want you to be happy,” “You should be on time,” “You need to take better care of yourself,” you are separating yourself from what is. And you do this simply by attaching to your thinking. Let‘s break each of these thoughts down. When you think “You need to get a job” about someone, you have separated yourself from the present reality that they do not have a job at this time. Can you see this? When you think “I want you to be happy”about someone, you have separated yourself from the present reality that they are not happy now. When you think “You should be on time”about someone, you have separated yourself from the present reality that they are not on time right now. Can you see this? When you think “You need to take better care of yourself” about someone, you have separated yourself from the present reality that they are not caring for themselves right now. Can you see this? This shows the awesome power thinking has over your life, and how attachment to your thinking can create intense suffering and conflict in your life.

Byron Katie offers an effective practice for discovering and unlocking the powerful grip our thinking has over us in her book “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.”

Here are some of what I believe to be meaningful and useful excerpts:

“Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our own business. When I think, “You need to get a job,” “I want you to be happy,” “You should be on time,” “You need to take better care of yourself,” I am in your business. When I’m worried about earthquakes, floods, war, or when I will die, I am in God’s business. If I am mentally in your business or in God’s business, the effect is separation. I noticed this early in 1986. When I mentally went into my mother’s business, for example, with a thought like “My mother should understand me,” I immediately experienced a feeling of loneliness. And I realized that every time in my life I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else’s business.

If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We’re both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work.

To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.

If you understand the three kinds of business enough to stay in your own business, it can free your life in a way you can’t even imagine. The next time you’re feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you’re in mentally…”

Thinking creates the stories of our life. The trick is to be aware of, and be with your thinking, but to not define yourself by your thinking.